I don't even know what to say anymore. I am SO tired of the fruitless struggle.

I got an email back from a job at The Flynn in B-town that I *really* very badly wanted, and despite the fact that I hadn't heard from them in several weeks, I was still sort of clinging to a hope. Well, I got an email this evening basically saying something along the lines of: sorry to keep you waiting, we apologize for the delay, but we've been internally restructuring and now the position you applied for is only a part-time, 25 hr/wk. position.
Well. How FUCKING awesome is that. Obviously, I can not do part time. Part time has *no* benefits, on top of which, I can't subsist on a PT salary. Awesome. Just... awesome.
All the other jobs are.....? Who knows. I get crickets and tumbleweed.

I am so tired of living in this state of ennui. It's not even that... It's like constant upset. Only now, unlike in college, this is resigned upset. I just withdraw from the world, read my book, putz around my house, go to work, rinse. repeat. And I hate every minute of it. I'm fighting battles on a day-to-day plane, and then waging emotional wars in my head as well.... Alone.

Who knows. It's funny. Life is going on, still spinning. I stil go to work and do my job, I pay my bills, I enjoy my books, I am happy that the weather has a fall-like chill.... but at the same time, I feel so lack-luster. Like the drive has gone out of me.... or the reason to push for more has left me.... How can you keep that up when all you get is rejected, abandoned and treated like shit? I'm starting to feel like my students.... Like, why BOTHER to harbor "Hope", when it doesn't ever materialize, or it just gets thrown in your face?

I'm just tired of always fighting the good fight and getting dealt the low blows. Always.

Well. So. Here I am. What a night. 200pages further into Forest Mage, another door closed, with no foreseen one opening, another night in solitude.... alone with my thoughts.


Bleh. Done with today. So very very done. WHAT is the answer? WHERE is the opportunity.... and WHY??? WHYY??

WHY? is the simple question that plagues me.... WHY?! I want to scream out all the time...

Tags: boredom, jobs, upset
I'm feeling...: melancholy